


Mooseburger

by Joker



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Other, Self Insert, comedic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-14
Updated: 2011-06-14
Packaged: 2017-10-20 10:12:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/211676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joker/pseuds/Joker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean and Sam head down to Louisiana for a demon hunt tip, things do not go according to plan.<br/>Too bad Dean is such a pussy magnet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mooseburger

**Author's Note:**

> Things you will not find in here is the characters sexing each other, sexing me, or me sexing them. It's a self-insert fic but for the most part it's also pointless and made for pure amusement

**MOOSEBURGER**

 

 **1.**   
**Red King**

 **  
**

            The metronome ticking of the wall clock nearly echoed in the empty lobby of the motel, it was bright and alien inside with its ugly red carpeting, uncomfortable waiting chairs and stupid laminated counter. A computer screen showed a row of cards on a green background, the main desk chair gave a slight faux-leather creak as the counter clerk sighed, sneakers shuffling on the carpet under the desk. The stale stench of over boiled coffee was all she could smell, and frankly it was annoying her.

            “….. king…. Need a red king.” She muttered under her breath, clicking the dingy mouse in her hand and dragging a card around the screen. It was 4:23 A.M. and she hadn’t seen anyone check in since 5pm, no tenants for the night called the front desk, the phone sat there like a paperweight. She found her red king and put him in his place just as the front door ding sounded. She looked at the speaker instead of the guy walking in, she always looked at the speaker, as the tall gentle man walked up to the counter, she tabbed over to the check in roster, finally looking to the new guest.

            “ Welc-….. you have pretty hair.” She said blinking dark brown eyes once, “Shampoo commercial pretty.” Some reason that struck her as odd as he cleared his throat and reached into his back pocket for his wallet, she was so used to see haggard, road weary truckers, or just the guys buying hookers for the night that this guys hair caught her off guard.

            “Uhm... yeah we need a room.” He said sliding a card over the counter top to her, she grabbed it and glanced at the name before beginning to type in the information needed to reserve a room.

            “K, Queen or King sized Mister …..Hetfield?” She glanced up punching in the last few numbers, she had assumed a double king, and she was right. Preliminary paperwork was done and she slid the card keys over to him. “Have a good night?” She said almost in a confused manner. He gave a smirk and walked out the door he came in, leaning in a half standing position she looked through the glass panes surrounding the door as the tall, pretty haired guy walked to a sleek black card and got in, another gentle man drove him off and to the left, in the direction of their room. “…seriously nice hair.” She said her brow lifting upward as she sat down and the chair sighed from the weight.

 

 

            “Well?” Dean said, dropping a large green duffel onto the bed. The duvet was a crappy polyester atrocity; the second bed in the room matched it in tackiness. The walls were wallpapered badly, and the carpet was a thread bear sort of puke green color.

            “It was pretty damn cold…. But I don’t know Dean, it doesn’t …” Sam shrugged unzipping his own bag and pulling clothes out, as his brother flopped onto the crappy bed. It gave a metallic groan as he shifted on it a few times.

            “Dude... this bed sucks… and this place smells like old people.” He sat up, leaning his forearms on his knees, looking at his tall brother.

            “….it’s not exactly the Waldorf Astoria.” Sam said finally sitting down on his own uncomfortable resting spot. “Anyways… the reports on the town are kinda all over the place, seems just like random suicides, muggings, and stuff.”

            “Yeah well, you saw that thing on the internet… her eyes turned black.” Dean muttered pushing on the back of his shoe and letting it thud on the floor.

            “Yeah…” Sam agreed, moving to the in room desk with his laptop, and sitting down. “I did.”

 

 

            The sun had come up not too long ago, everything was annoyingly bright, the birds were too loud, and it was getting too hot. Every night she worked graveyard shift, and every morning she’d come home to a small apartment, with a cat, and fall asleep in the bright orange recliner. She fed the cat, fed herself something and then sitting in the recliner kicked up the foot rest, leaned her head back, and started to drift. Her eyes began to lower and the room despite the daylight began to grow dim, her eyes reopened once see her cat’s golden eyes looking at her from the coffee table, again they began drooping, she heard the thud of the cat’s footsteps walking away and started to open her eyes again. The end of a gleaming silver gun barrel greeted her, in her half asleep stupor it took a second before the gravity of the situation sunk in, flinging herself backwards in the chair her eyes spring wide.

            “DON’T MOVE!” The man holding the gun screamed gruffly moving forward slightly as she flinched back. “Don’t move or I’ll blow a freaking hole in your techno colored head.” He barked as she froze. For a second the techno colored head comment confused her, but then she remembered she had tri-colored hair. “Sam! Where is the hol-“Dean’s face went from angry to bewildered, “Sam!”

            “It’s a cat…” Dean gave a deadpan glare as Sam walked into the room holding a large brown tabby with greenish gold eyes, it gave a soft meowing.  A wide smile was across Sam’s face as he petted the cat’s head, after looking up from the pet in his arms his face fell. “What?”

            Dean made this sarcastic sort of head shake and nodded to the still terrified girl in the lazy-boy. “Demon?”

            “She not a demon, Dean… nor is she a ghost, or anything else.” Sam put the cat down and it walked over to Dean’s feet and started to rub on his boots. Dean looked at it and then Sam, and finally the girl. Her eyes wide with fear, the early morning sun casting a bronze tinge in her dark brown eyes.

            “It’s cold…” He said almost questioning himself more then anything.

            “AC.” Sam replied calmly, crossing his arms. “and the deaths? Normal.”

            “How do you explain the black eyes, Sam!?” Dean said yelling again causing her to jump. Sam gave a smile and nod, Dean followed the gesture and saw a laptop screen glowing, he narrowed his eyes, lowered the gun halfway and walked to the laptop. A gave a glance at Sam, then the girl, and back to the laptop, moving a free hand from the gun he pressed the mouse button, and the video started, at first it was just her blinking, then her eyes went black, then back to normal. Dean stared for a minute his face still angry, then it fell into a annoyed disbelief. The girl looked back and forth from the brothers. “You MADE this?” He said pointing the gun to the computer she nodded quickly, strands of hot pink hair falling into her eyes, the cat jumped into her lap, she gave a yelp before instinctively hugging it to her chest. “SON OF A BITCH!”

            Dean walked away as Sam moved in front of her chair, sitting down on the coffee table. “It’s ok.” He said, she narrowed her eyes, petting the cat which seemed like this was normal, she narrowed her eyes.

            “Pretty hair?”  She said screwing her face into disbelief and tilting her head, Dean laughed and repeated what she said, and turning a kitchen chair backwards sat down, another scoff came from him as he absent mindedly touched his own hair.

            Sam gave a confused look for a second before slightly tilting his own head, “Yeah… that’s right you’re the hotel clerk.” He moved forward a bit on the table, long legs bent, one arm resting on his knee. “This has all been a big misunderstanding Miss…”

            “Jennifer.” She said still giving them weird glares. “You aimed a gun at my face… and threatened to… what was it… ‘Put a hol-‘…”

            “Yeah put a hole in your techno colored head!” Dean added as if that was somehow helping, he laughed catching the matching glares from both the girl, the cat, and his brother, he cleared his throat and looked away finding something random to pretend to be interested in.

            “This was a big misunderstanding.” He said giving a soulful puppy dog look at her, she visibly relaxed a bit as Dean started playing with a sticky note tower. She looked back at Sam and leaned forward her lips pressed into a thin line and whispered.

            “How does someone misunderstand something so bad they come into a house guns drawn and freak the shit out of a person?” She then gave a strange expression and waited for a reply.

            “Uhm…. Well we thought you might’ve been a demon.” Sam offered some sort of smirk.

            “Right. Well….Thank you for the fright induced colonic.” She said flatly before standing up from her recliner. Dean tossed the sticky notes over his shoulder where they landed admits other strange desk clutter with a loud noise. Sam stood up slowly as well and looked between his brother’s goofy smirk and the glaring hate currently on the girls face.

            “Really we’re very sorry there was just … signs.” He said moving his hands in a failed attempt to convey his words.

            “That I was a demon.” She crossed her arms and leaned all her weight into one hip. “Let me guess… electrical storms? Weird deaths all around… and footage of my eyes turning black?”

            “Hey….yeah.” Dean said shooting Sam a look.

            “Yeah the demon eyes thing is something I made … I’m an artist and I get bored… the other shit happens here a lot, it’s fucking Louisiana.” She shot a look at Sam who only looked up in thought and then nodded.  “I need a drink.” She muttered and started towards the small kitchen.

            “Beer?” Dean said like someone said treat in front of a dog.

            “No… I don’t drink beer.” Jennifer didn’t look back as she went for the freezer.

            “What un-American yahoo doesn’t drink bee-“ Dean blinked a bit as she turned around holding a square brown bottle of good ole JD and a pre-chilled glass. “Oh… I see.” He started a slow sort of swaggered walk towards her, somewhere in the front room Sam sighed. “So… uhmm.. Jennifer is it? So Jennifer…” He sat down in a chair, and flashed his best smile. “Got another glass in there?”

            “No.” She said thumping her glass down and pouring in a drink for herself, she drank it back without so much as a grimace. For a second the expression of impressed passed over Dean’s face before he looked to Sam.

            “I think we’ve over stayed out welcome.” Sam said standing in the kitchen door jam. “We should go Dean.” He gave his brother a half wide eyed stare to try to convey something to him with a mental brother bond, all he got in return was a sad wounded dog look from Dean, who really wanted a drink.

            “Yes…we should.” Dean said, but in a manner that tipped Sam off to a stall, he sighed and rolled his eyes. “But… “ he looked at the girl pouring a third fix into the glass. “Why are you so calm about this… and knew about the demon crap.” He began to eye the bottle lustily.

            Dark brown eyes shot over black wire frame glasses, she always forgot they were on, and often fell asleep with them when she dozed in the chair. “I’m a nerd if you haven’t noticed…” She finally sat down in the kitchen and laid her chin on the table, pushing the bottle towards him so he’d stop eye-sexing it. As Dean gladly took a swig, she sighed. “Read all the time in my spare time, you learn some interesting things on the internet.” She muttered, not lifting her head, just talking through her teeth at the moment, a strand of hot pink hair fell in her eye, she looked towards Sam standing further away. “I don’t really know what it is, once I got over the shock of a gun barrel in my face, it just seemed to make sense. You weren’t demanding money; you got in quiet like a ninja.”

            “Like a freaking ninja!” Dean added after another swig, before falling silent because the girl was giving him the stink eye again.

            “Really… I think I just believe this is just some mental break down trigger hallucination, too much work, no play…. All that jazz.” She gave another sigh and tilted her head, she was really tired now, her eyes closed, she softly spoke as the boys stared at her. “keep the bottle.”

With that Sam nodded his head towards the door, Dean raised the jack as if toasting her and got up and headed towards the door.

 

            “Nice kid.” Dean said once he reached the sleek black Impala.

            “She’s not a kid, Dean.” Sam said, putting the gun away and sliding into the passenger seat. “She’s kinda near our age you know.” He watched as his brother got in behind the wheel.

            “Really? ” Dean gave a somewhat surprised face, apparently thinking she was younger by her looks. He paused getting ready to drink the last of the jack, and looked at Sam who at first gave him a confused look, then both slowly turned and looked in the back seat. There sitting on the seat, calm as he pleased was the large brown tabby. “Is that her cat?”

            “Yeah… it is.” Sam answered, as the cat sat there staring back at the two, tail slowly curling and uncurling in front of him. “Hey kitty…” Sam said starting to reach for it to try to shoot it away, the cat lowered its head his ears flattening back and Sam froze. “Uhm... nice kitty?” He started to reach again and the cat growled a low menacing growl, Sam snapped his hand back into his lap and looked at his brother.

            “Great… are we seriously being held hostage by a cat?” Dean threw back the last of the Jack and looked at the cat again who was now sitting calmly.

            “Hey… you always did say you loved pussy.” Sam smiled and Dean just glared.

            “Shut up.” Dean threw his door open and angrily trudged back to the girl’s apartment; he opened the door and went to the kitchen where, not surprisingly, she was still laying her head down on the table. “Hey… uhm… Jennifer.” He shook her shoulder and she sat up and glared at him. “Your two tons of fun is holding us hostage in your driveway.”

            “My what?” She had started to stand up.

            “Your cat lady! The Cat won’t let us leave!” Dean crossed his arms, the leather of his jacket give a soft sigh as it settled. “Now can you come retrieve your pe-“

            “Soda… his name is Soda.” She said moving towards the door. She didn’t even recall she was still in her pink ace of spaces pj pants and a ratty Metallica shirt, it didn’t even cross her mind when she was barefoot on the pavement. She got to the car, Dean not far behind her. Sam smiled nervously like there was a gun to his head, Dean moved to get back in but when he opened the door the cat was now sitting in the driver seat, facing the wheel.

            “What the happy horse shit is this?” Dean grumbled loudly, the cat looked at him. “You! Coke!”

            “It’s Soda you asshat.” She corrected him, he looked at her squinting glare over the top of the car then back at Soda.

            “Soda… get out.” The Cat calmly stood up and got in the backseat.  “OF THE CAR YOU DAMN ANIMAL!” Dean yelled as he flopped into his seat.

            “He’s not going to get out.” She said, turning and headed for the apartment. Dean with drew his shiny white and silver gun and aimed it at the cat, which only made is bare its teeth and hiss angrily.

            “Dude! Your seats!” Sam interjected; Dean looked like he was seriously contemplating it, then put his gun back in his jacket and gripped the wheel angrily.

 


End file.
